Discipline is a four letter word

One of the hardest things about parenting is disciplining, especially with consistency. These two words might as well be in a foreign language for me. I am only disciplined until the cookies come out of the oven or the alarm clock rings so I can "get up early and exercise". At least I'm consistent in my sloth.
Recently Dakota has required some extra disciplining for trouble at school. I've mentioned his quick to anger response before and I still don't know if this is a defense mechanism, if its just the easiest one for him to show or access, if its one he understands so he uses it (can't imagine where he might get that), or if his impulse control is so underdeveloped that he can't figure out how to stop it. We try to teach him other ways to handle situations he doesn't like so perhaps he won't reach the boiling over point. We talk about moving away from a kid who he is bothering him- though at times "bothering" is a stretch. Here's a conversation: Me: You got in trouble for pushing Johnny. Why did you do that? Dakota: He was bothering me. Me: What did he do? Dakota: He was looking at me. Me: What else? Dakota: Nothing. What's next I ask you- he was breathing too often?
We try to teach him other ways as well: ask the teacher to let you go to the bathroom or the other side of the room for a minute; try to squeeze your hands really tight and squeeze out all the anger before you do anything; try to sing to yourself so you won't pay any attention to them. I don't know if he really tries these things or just says he does. Of course sometimes, they just don't work and you say and/or do something you shouldn't (not that I speak from experience).
Disciplining turns out to be more difficult for me with Dakota for several reasons- and I am still researching whether or not all of these are common problems for children with Dakota's ASD and developmental problems. First, even at 10 because he is only developed emotionally about as far as 5 or 6, you have to follow quickly after the infraction with the punishment or he has no idea what he is being disciplined for. He is much like a cat in that respect, he cannot connect two events that are separated by more than a small amount of time. He may remember parts of it when you remind him of an incident but not the whole thing and certainly not the gravity of it. Last week he got in trouble at school and we were all going to have to see the principal (my palms are sweating even now) so we could discuss the punishment he would receive at school- separate from what he received at home. But then the snow came and he has been out of school for several days. Now I'm dreading the return for the meeting. Certainly he has to be accountable and pay the consequences but I'm not sure it will mean anything. I don't know if he will make the connection 6 or 7 days after the incident.
Second, I'm beginning to wonder if "he was looking at me" carries a lot more significance than I thought. Is it possible that in his mind any attention given to him that he doesn't elicit is "bothering"him; that he views that as some kind of judgment or criticism every bit as hurtful as calling him stupid or making fun of him? When bigger kids do it, he usually withdraws from them and goes to play in a corner much like he does when kids are playing something he doesn't understand; but when they are kids his age or kids in his class or even a teacher, he lashes out. Maybe it's because he knows them and is not afraid- just hurt and angry.
Whatever the reason, we have decided to take make an appointment at the child studies center in hopes that they can help us teach him the skills he needs to explain to us what's going on and what he's feeling. Maybe we'll all learn some new ways to deal with anger and people who frustrate us (I have no specific people in mind for myself with that last thought).