Let's fix this thing

Ahh parenthood, the memories it invokes. Like those great threats your parents used on you. You know, the kind that only children or people with the common sense of a stalk of celery would believe: Talk back to me again and you'll be grounded until you're 21; If you kids don't quiet down you won't be able to sit down for a month; If I have to stop this car, I will leave you at the Stuckey's for gypsies who'll take you to Romania and make you tend goats (was that last one just me?). Disciplining children is tough. You have to teach consequences AND get them to do what you want/need them to do. This is not easy with any child. And its not easy to get them to explain why they do or don't do something- heck that blows right by most adults, including me. I find it that much more difficult with Dakota because of the disconnects he has in processing complex problems.

Recently at school he has been refusing to do his work and sometimes telling the teacher he doesn't have to listen to her. My first reaction is to tell him the negative consequences for this behavior (I have taken the Stuckey's drop off out of my threat arsenal). The first day it happened he couldn't play with his favorite toy or watch t.v. The next day was the same so besides the other punishment we added that he had to stay in his room (which he hates because he wants to be in the middle of things). But we also tried a positive reinforcement by saying a fun thing he could do the next day if the report was good. Nothing- same problem the next day. My first impulse was to tell him all the horrible consequences he would have to face if it happened again- which I did. Actually my first impulse was to threaten him within an inch of his life but even he thought that was unlikely. And frankly I am not sure his mind can think that far ahead or make the connections between two things all the time. I know that cause and effect exercises are something they work on at school in the special ed classes and maybe we need to do more of them at home.

Instead we went with a 1-2 punch (not literally, that whole "within an inch" thing was just hype). We did tell him the consequences would be getting worse and we also went with something Helen learned which was to reinforce the positives. That is, we had him tell us what he could do to stay out of trouble and have a good day. We asked him this several different times throughout the evening and morning. We explained what good things would happen if he did his part and what consequences he faced if he didn't. We made a contract with him to make it seem more important and grown up.

I don't know which thing did the trick or if it was a combination but today was much better. He did get the promised rewards and was very happy. We asked him several times if he could see that this was better than what happened when he didn't follow the rules and he said he did. I guess we'll make it part of the morning routine to talk about what you have to do to stay out of trouble and have a smooth day. If it keeps working, I think I'll incorporate that little talk into my and my employees' day as well. Maybe my life will get easier all the way around.